Monday, May 01, 2006

Friends without fucking

So, I've reached a new height in my friendship with self-destructive boy and we're now officially friends. He had this manic attack Sunday morning and I realized God, he's an idiot and I'm way too cute for this. He apologized in person today. I had the phone in my hand ready to hear an apology but I guess our brains were in sync as I burrowed through student loan bills, a credit card bill that should have been paid off in March but wasn't...you know how it goes. So, I'm craving a bottle of wine but I'm too broke for that. Sitting there speaking to him was a bit difficult, not thinking of doing all the things I would have done before..like jumping him or him jumping me. Sad to say but I'm going to miss the sex more than the friendship. So much of the friendship was wrapped around me getting laid, but I'm lying...that's not true. I always look forward to seeing him because we've become so inseperable and he still makes me laugh out loud. Hmm...back to celibacy again? That was boring. Plus, I have a sort of date tomorrow with this guy I wasn't too interested in awhile back. He's leaving for a three month excursion so I want to see him before he goes. I also sort of miss my ex-boyfriend's hug and touch and I would love to just sleep next to him as I do when I'm feeling really down about being alone.

I had a great weekend though...hanging out with the girls as usual always make me happy. I went to two bbq's Saturday and Sunday. Had a blast...drank a lot and just loved life. My good friend ended up in the hospitol Saturday morning which killed a lot of the fun. It made realize that being with someone just to be with someone...is a joke. My friend has been in this worthless relationship for a decade. My hosts from last night have been together for less --- way less time and their relationship is enviable. It's sweet, share the house and bills love. I want that but I'm also too scared for it. I feel like such a failure for my three and half year relationship going south over too much partying and non-communication.

I'm psyched about the NorCal Aids Challenge this month. www.norcalaidschallenge.org

May 18-21st.

My good friend Bob is marrying his sweetheart Christie this month as well. How sweet, romantic and just goddamn beautiful is that. No, you don't smell jealousy, you smell fear. I'm afraid of being happy with someone nice. I prefer the drama of back and forth, the not knowing, the flirting and the great sex...What is wrong with me? Most 29-year olds are dying for my simple life of frienships worth mentioning, a job that I love and a beautiful apartment all to myself. But not me. I have to get rid of that nagging feeling that I'm missing something. I just think it can be chalked up to: it's half a week before my period and I'm horny, on my last cigarette and I feel as though I'll never have a guy drooling all over me that I equally want to drool all over too. So here I am eating girl scout cookies and typing up my self-served musings for the world wide web of geeks.

Congrats to me though, I'm covering Sacramento Pride for Curve Magazine (www.curvemag.com). My article was held off for a year due to the Hurricane so I'm so excited to have a freelance contract. I need to spend more time freelance writing than drinking with my buddies and worrying about my sex life. I spoke to one of my best friends from college today and she said I sounded very happy and I am, just not in the love department. She and I laughed and share stories about our other friendships, her relationship and my crazy life.

I am getting more and more into the moving to New York idea. I cannot wait to move next summer. The NCAC crew and my other volunteer gigs don't want to lose me but it's time to go elsewhere. I can be freelance writer/non-profit/chick with no boyfriend anywhere but I'd rather be immersed in male lovliness so NY is it.

It's late, it's time for Felicity reruns and some more net surfing. Chow bella!

posted by @ 10:31 PM