Return of the Nubian Princess

Honoring Shakespeare: Ashland, Oregon here I come!

2008-02-29T12:26:00.000-08:00

I got this cat named Tyrone, he's Black...He goes to me one day, Hey bitch! I'm tired that fancy feast shit, I want some of what your fat ass is eating. I want some chicken, preferably fried. And I ain't pooping in that box no more! It's for pussies. You better go out and get my chicken or I'm gonna' take a shit right here...just for the sheer satisfaction of watching your fat ass bend down and pick it up.

--Marilyn Martinez, The Latin Divas of Comedy
http://www.blogger.com/img/gl.link.gif
Sunrise: 2/9/55
Sunset: 11/3/07

My girlfriend Kat and I are trekking up to to embrace the passion of Shakespeare and soak in the quality of life there. From our prior trips to this perfect little college town, we were immediately impressed with the air of kindness that permeates throughtout. It is wonderful and reminds me of Berkeley, CA. Sacramento turned into a dead end for both of us. We squeezed the life out that wanna-be metropolitan town and it pilfered the best of us as well. I will miss our great house in the Tower District and my job at a non-profit but we'll meet new friends, get work and experience something new. The giddiness I feel is electric. Journeys, especially the ones you just say on the spot you'll get to someday and actually do it. Most of my post-grad life has been wrapped around figuring out who I was, as opposed to who all of my bay area friends assumed my personality to be. Thirty-one going on thirty-two feels sweet. Finding true romance along the path to growing the fuck up is quite nice as well.

I joined the Ashland-Medford Pride Committee as a means to continue being a part of the annual celebrations and see what Queers in Ashland are all about. We didn't spot any when we went out to test out the bar scene. Maybe they hide out in dark alleys and smoke reefer, cursing Ashland's hetero community. Kat and my friend are loading up the UHAUL as I type...thank god no one is glaring at me for not helping out but I was up until 3:30am scrubbing windows and wall corners...gruesome but getting our full deposit back is always a nice bonus and a means of paying rent at the new place. We'll be taking up residence in the Railroad District --- a cute little neighborhood near Southern Oregon U. We're excited about decorating our loft and playing around in the community garden.

Well, I'm off for now...I'm slowly fading from being online so long...change of address, contact my bank, call the pet doctor, blah, blah...blah!

And many props to Jasmyne Cannick, a great Queer commentator, truth-seeking shit-talker (she's brash and ballsy just the way I like em'). She really challenged the Black community to open up their pretty brown eyes when it comes to worshiping R. Kelly like he's the second coming. 15 will get you 20! Sexism is our community's disease and it is our nation's disease as well. Ignoring the lyrics and the manner in which someone acts from day to day is a rediculous mistake -- one our community repeats quite frequently. I can't speak for anyone but myself but I was so proud of Jasmyne's bold performance during R. Kelly's recent tour. She stood outside with the signs that made you think about the real cost of that concert ticket. What message am I sending if I attend a show by a grown man who selects women way too young for him? Glad I declined to see this character. It's like going to see Ike Turner perform one night and donating $500 to a battered women's shelter. Check out Jasmyne: http://www.jasmynecannick.typepad.com/jasmynecannickcom/

Spring Eqinox: March 20, 2008
Light some white and yellow candles and welcome the sun goddess...

Little Boxes in Agrestic

2006-10-10T00:33:00.000-07:00

Return of the Nubian Princess

To say that Tonye Patano who plays the shit out of the character, "Heylia James" is a brassy, bold actress with more fire in her pinky finger than Julia Roberts or Gwyneth Paltrow is an understatement. For some time, I've begrudged the fact that actresses in the states never receive a nod or "it girl" status unless they fit three categories (in this order): Hollywood thin, a non-person of color (translate here: White Anglo Saxon), and lastly: young. There are so many talented actresses who are not of color (duh!) such as Helen Mirren, Kate Winslet, Julianne Moore and the incomprobable Laura Linney. These women receive kudos and respect but not as much as they deserve. Kerry Washington, Sanaa Lathan, Sandra Oh, Delores Del Rio, Maria Conchita Alonso, and more...never fully achieve "it girl" status or Academy reccognition. It's funny that Tonye Patano will never really get the rain to sunshine bloom she fully deserves and has acted her ass off for. Actresses are basically given a raw deal anyway (see "Searching for Debra Winger" documentary by the fab Roseanna Arquette).

I'm rambling...that's what Showtime's "Weeds" will do me (or you if you dare...)...

I'm having an awesome day to be honest....it's late and I'm a bit buzzed from my post birthday celebration. I've been hoisting my 30th birthday to rediculous "Beatles" status for quite some time. But, cut me some slack, it's been about 19 days so I'm just getting fresh and started.

A strange homeless man bought my groceries the day I cashed my last birthday check from my girlfriend's parents. It was amazing. I repeatedly refused but the more I persisted in paying my own way, the more he told me I was an angel and did enough good in the world that I shouldn't have to work so hard. It was one of the most breathtaking experiences. I believe it was my father. He has appeared to me as many times as I have visited his grave which is under five and everytime it has been a magical and monumental situation...when I've needed him most, he busts his fists with persistence to be there for me....even in death.

I have to thank the tao for this one, good karma and paying it forward....my girlfriend thinks I'm a gorgeous lucky charm and I think she is a Sagittarius.

good night

Feelin' Good

2006-09-21T14:47:00.000-07:00

I recently added new channels to my Tivo package and I love, love, love "Weeds" with Mary-Louise Parker. She is truly a phenomenal actress and go her for giving Billy Crudup a "Fuck You, leaving my ass 8 months pregnant for someone with half my talent and pinache.

(Sorry, I'm a scary fan...ahhhhhh! But I love when someone can be kicked down publicly and rise to the occasion)

"When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade with a slice of lime and some Tanqueray."

---Mary (stolen from the fabulous "Josie and the Pussycats" film)

I turned out my 30th birthday with Season One of "WEEDS" and some good company. What a night...sometimes you just need that reckless abandonment and pure, unregrettable sex at 3:00am to make you feel alive!

These days the new development job has kept me busy as well as opened up a door to a future career I would not have jumped into right off the bat. Fundraising and volunteering have been a part of my life for ten years now. I completed my first AIDS Walk at nineteen years-old. What a long journey it has been. When I move out to New York, I'd like to see what types of Development jobs there are for non-profits as well continue writing.

Curve Magazine (http://www.curvemag.com) just published my article on Sacramento Pride (http://www.sacpride.net) and the women's motorcycle club, Sisters of Scota (http://www.soswmc.org). It's so awesome to see your name in print. Dreams do come true...My buddy in San Francisco and I always joke that we're budding "Carrie Bradshaws,"classy divaesque sex columnist and favorite self-absorbed character on Sex and the City.

My best friend just had a baby girl, a Virgo (Does any other sign rock better than Virgo?) born September 16th (just four days before mine). Congratulations girl!

My other best bud in New York is expecting as well and another old college buddy just discovered that heartbreak near your late twenties is quite devestating. She just learned to open her heart and be herself, only to get stomped by mother nature. Relationships can be fickle but I learned a lot from self-destructive boy and how not to even enter those partnerships that only land you in bullshit and denial and drama. I am very lucky to have my three things (home, job and a cool partner in crime) which I had believed was just an urban legend.

Well, here's to urban legends, my writing and development career which will assist me in my endeavor to become a documentarian for social causes and turning 30, the new 20.

Later!

Love, Love and more happiness

2006-07-19T19:41:00.000-07:00

Yo!

"It's oh so quiet
it's oh so still
you're all alone
and so peaceful until

you fall in love (zing! boom!)
the sky up above (zing! boom!)
is caving in (wow! bam!)
you've never been so nuts about a guy
you wanna laugh you wanna cry
you cross your heart and hope to die

'til it's over and then
it's nice and quiet
but soon again
starts another big riot

you blow a fuse (zing! boom!)
the devil cuts loose (zing! boom!)
so what's the use (wow! bam!)
of falling in love"

lyrics by Bjork from the album, POST - IT'S OH SO QUIET

I am so content, so peaceful and just in love with this beautiful guy who is sweet, sensitive and caring - just completely amazing. I look back at the idiots I wasted my time with and wonder what kind of drug I was on, oh yeah, it's called dick. It's gets us all every time and if dick isn't your cup of tea, then it must be pussy. In any case, we've all stumbled upon someone we couldn't get out of our systems. It's hot, no denying that I had a fantastic ride dating and acting a fool with these guys but it was tired. I began to downright loathe some of them for their proposterous behavior and inability to resemble grown-ass men and not mama's boys or weak-minded pansy-ass, (not a slur to gay men, in fact, gay men in my humble opinion are the true form of self-made, strong-minded individuals who can stand on their own without utilizing a woman, minus the use of "fag hags"), victims. Goodbye drama and welcome to bliss. Every relationship starts off with the honeymoon but we've yet to fight all month. We had sweet trip to San Francisco together and just chilled out and talked about our goals for the year. It was peaceful and just fuckin' great. I've met a dreamer, just like me.

Work has never been better since I got fired. Job hunting is a sweet deal. I got away from the micro-managing boss from crack hell and moved back to my couch to listen to Bjork, get great love from my new guy and use of his laptop and see where my future lies. I'm still moving east to New York City and then possibly Japan to meet my new love. We'll see how it goes. I've never felt so free to just go with the flow. It's so good for me. I've submitted my article to a nationally recognized magazine for lesbian women, finished my volunteer work for the AIDS ride and I'm currently working on fund development for a local non-profit. I made great money last year and went to Vegas to see my brother. I'll double my commission this year and take a trip or something. It'll be great.

I've enjoyed my month vacation and just had my first interview on Monday. I met with my old co-worker and dished about our old place of employment, opportunities with her organization and the great skills I would provide. It was nice to see her. She looked fabulous as always.

Well, off to enjoy my bliss and wish me luck...these things don't happen everyday, that is I don't fall hard and have not (in this way in awhile) in a year. Moving on up...to the eastside! I finally got a piece of the PENIS! (A good one, that gives me a big fat O and a great dose of love and support)

Peace...

My sister is in town

2006-05-12T00:27:00.000-07:00

My big sister is in town and it's so nice. My big sister is one of the best people that I know and we're so alike. I don't think her family (daughter,son, ex-husband,etc.) really get her. She is beautiful and amazing and I know she would hate it but she really doesn't look her age at all! Wow, it's amazing how gorgeous she is and I for one will never tell her age.

I've been working non-stop on a conference for work. I think I'm finally over being friends with self-destructive boy. He would hate that I'm writing about him in my blog but I don't really give a shit since it's my fuckin' blog and I write, he paints, this is how I relieve my thoughts. He has never been worth my time or worry. He had a friend who was so patient and excellent to him. I'm a really nice person and when I really dig my friends, I treat them like gold. They are gold to me. Friends are more forgiving than family sometimes. For years, as I tried to find my way in the world, it was my friends who were there to guide me through good and bad, lost times. What self-destructive boy didn't realize is that I got over the idea of us being a thing. He flipped out on me once two weeks ago and apologized the next day. I was nonchalant about it. I've already seen his drama before, he is so damn predictable. So, when he blew a gasket this time, I was ready to say, wow, what do I have left at his spot. Maybe I can send my friend to pick it up. I jokingly left him a message to say, yo, can I come by and grab my shit? (wthout you freaking out) . So, I'm done. I'm done with the drama, the self-desructive, Tyson-esque drama!

I'm going to call it a night. I met a really sweet guy that I enjoy and that made me forget about self-destructive boy to the point that when I think of the guy I want to sleep with, self-destructive boy is not in my thoughts. I'll really miss our friendship though. We got along like Harold and Maude. But at least we had our time.

What a week! See you later!

Cycling cures all money worries

2006-05-02T22:13:00.000-07:00

Yeah yeah...we've all spent way too much money on bullshit before and lords knows my broke ass did. But I've got a great new haircut, tickets to Dave Matthews Band at Raley Field in Sacramento. And I can't fucking wait to go, but it's not until 10 days before I turn 30 this September. I am planning a big fucking blow-out extravaganza for my big day. $200 dollars worth of liquor, booze and food to enjoy with my homies. Hell yes! I really wish I was going to see Beck too! He's playing Davis, CA and my hometown San Francisco's Fillmore...all sold out.

I went cycling with my good buddy Eric tonight and it blew all of my issues out of the water. I feel fantastic...energetic and just plain great. Cycling definitely cures all worries. I'm off to pop over and see a friend - until tomorrow! Woo-hoo! I love biking...

Friends without fucking

2006-05-01T22:31:00.000-07:00

So, I've reached a new height in my friendship with self-destructive boy and we're now officially friends. He had this manic attack Sunday morning and I realized God, he's an idiot and I'm way too cute for this. He apologized in person today. I had the phone in my hand ready to hear an apology but I guess our brains were in sync as I burrowed through student loan bills, a credit card bill that should have been paid off in March but wasn't...you know how it goes. So, I'm craving a bottle of wine but I'm too broke for that. Sitting there speaking to him was a bit difficult, not thinking of doing all the things I would have done before..like jumping him or him jumping me. Sad to say but I'm going to miss the sex more than the friendship. So much of the friendship was wrapped around me getting laid, but I'm lying...that's not true. I always look forward to seeing him because we've become so inseperable and he still makes me laugh out loud. Hmm...back to celibacy again? That was boring. Plus, I have a sort of date tomorrow with this guy I wasn't too interested in awhile back. He's leaving for a three month excursion so I want to see him before he goes. I also sort of miss my ex-boyfriend's hug and touch and I would love to just sleep next to him as I do when I'm feeling really down about being alone.

I had a great weekend though...hanging out with the girls as usual always make me happy. I went to two bbq's Saturday and Sunday. Had a blast...drank a lot and just loved life. My good friend ended up in the hospitol Saturday morning which killed a lot of the fun. It made realize that being with someone just to be with someone...is a joke. My friend has been in this worthless relationship for a decade. My hosts from last night have been together for less --- way less time and their relationship is enviable. It's sweet, share the house and bills love. I want that but I'm also too scared for it. I feel like such a failure for my three and half year relationship going south over too much partying and non-communication.

I'm psyched about the NorCal Aids Challenge this month. www.norcalaidschallenge.org

May 18-21st.

My good friend Bob is marrying his sweetheart Christie this month as well. How sweet, romantic and just goddamn beautiful is that. No, you don't smell jealousy, you smell fear. I'm afraid of being happy with someone nice. I prefer the drama of back and forth, the not knowing, the flirting and the great sex...What is wrong with me? Most 29-year olds are dying for my simple life of frienships worth mentioning, a job that I love and a beautiful apartment all to myself. But not me. I have to get rid of that nagging feeling that I'm missing something. I just think it can be chalked up to: it's half a week before my period and I'm horny, on my last cigarette and I feel as though I'll never have a guy drooling all over me that I equally want to drool all over too. So here I am eating girl scout cookies and typing up my self-served musings for the world wide web of geeks.

Congrats to me though, I'm covering Sacramento Pride for Curve Magazine (www.curvemag.com). My article was held off for a year due to the Hurricane so I'm so excited to have a freelance contract. I need to spend more time freelance writing than drinking with my buddies and worrying about my sex life. I spoke to one of my best friends from college today and she said I sounded very happy and I am, just not in the love department. She and I laughed and share stories about our other friendships, her relationship and my crazy life.

I am getting more and more into the moving to New York idea. I cannot wait to move next summer. The NCAC crew and my other volunteer gigs don't want to lose me but it's time to go elsewhere. I can be freelance writer/non-profit/chick with no boyfriend anywhere but I'd rather be immersed in male lovliness so NY is it.

It's late, it's time for Felicity reruns and some more net surfing. Chow bella!

Celibacy, dating and other strange dichotomies

2006-04-21T19:45:00.000-07:00

I've always been curious about celibacy and what it really means. I mean when does someone choose to be celibate and why? My ex-boyfriend has done it many times in the past, mostly after a long relationship. He said it helped him clear his head as well avoid jumping into bed with someone he didn't love just to avoid lonliness.

I've been feeling great lately, due to hanging out with friends, having dinner, relaxing, reading and getting psyched about my plans to move to New York City next year... Work is going really well and we have an upcoming conference that I'm really looking forward to. I've been walking around with a smile on my face and just meeting random people. I told my smoking buddies about my vow of celibacy and I have been the pinnacle of fodder eversince. Yes, it may true that I am an attractive girl with a good heart and a knack for meeting cute boys and having a great time, but I think I can handle it... Well maybe. I laugh as I type because somewhere deep down I know that celibacy like meditation takes dedication and resolve.

Celibacy refers either to being unmarried or to sexual abstinence. A vow of celibacy is a promise not to enter into marriage or engage in sexual intercourse. Some writers use it interchangeably as a synonym for abstinence or chastity. Some writers on sexuality draw a distinction between abstinence and celibacy, stating that celibacy means refraining from any sexual activity with a partner. They argue that this can be empowering, as it still allows that person to be "sexual" (through, for example, masturbation). This would not, however, be referred to as chaste celibacy, as masturbation is not considered a chaste act.

I took a break from self-destructive boy after my best friend came down for a visit with her boyfriend. We had an excellent time catching up and just being best friends. She is one of the many reasons I am moving to New York City. She's been having some awful yo-yo, relationship drama. It's rough to see her going through it but she's so strong and fearless. She is so unafraid to love and be loved no matter the cost. I admire that and people can sense that about her right away. She is truly a giver and achiever. I aspire to be just like her and she's two years younger than me which is even more amazing. She thought self-destructive boy was weird but cool. Her boyfriend said nah, he's a punk. : )

I've been going out and meeting some great people. I met a really nice gentleman while walking home this past Monday after work and I was bummed that I didn't exchange phone numbers or business cards. His presence left me with a calm spirit and a smile. Well, hopefully I'll see again. I tried experimenting with a guy so unlike me last month. We hooked up on St. Patrick's Day and although he is a great guy, he's just not my cup of tea. It's tough when you know what moves you but unfortunately, it's not always the right type. Can you re-program yourself to like a different type? Probably not. I'm lucky that I don't have horrible taste in men, it could always be worse.

I'm praying for the young woman in the Duke University case. I'm just so upset that so many running themes are coming up from this legal mess. The racism I'm hearing from these students and the overall labeling of the survivor is just lame. It's so redundant to hear the media and the community belittle her status as a student by referring to her as a stripper. She's a student, a human-being, a daughter, a sister, a cousin before being a "Black Stripper." Even if she was just a stripper full-time, rape is not, nor should be expected. Sexual asault should not come with the territory when you're female. It is such a pervasive suggestion by society that tells us we should be prepared for rape at some point in our lives and this is what we should avoid: drinking, being an exhibitionist, walking alone, walking to your car, to your home, dating, living! And the list goes on and on until we have nothing that is sacred or free. I hope that one day, we can all be free from violence. When young men are murdered or assaulted, they are not blamed nearly as much as a woman. Our bodies are not free from danger. Men have long thought, (not all men), that a woman's body is much too sexy or inviting to have the will power to reject or turn down. We must conquer it at all costs and if it left open or vulnerable, a man should take what is rightfully his. These feelings of ownership pervade our society more than we would like to believe and sexism is the root of the issue in terms of all violent acts committed against women. Fear of some kind is usually at the root of all violent acts with hate crimes being the perfect example.

Well, back to celibacy. Self-destructive boy called and I was not really psyched to hear from him. He's still a mess and I wonder what he could possibly be thinking after he stated he was seeing someone. He can't see me seriously because he and I both know I am way too good for him. He is luckier than he realizes that I even speak to him. But his sexy charm does me in. We'll see how my weekend of celibacy goes. Wish me luck.

Here's to you Mom and Dad...

2006-04-04T17:48:00.000-07:00

So, it's been a long time since I've been online to yip yap and talk shit about my crazy life. I just got hooked up with Yahoo DSL at home and yeah, I'm semi-tech savvy but can I bitch that it was a task to get started. I travel a lot for work and spend an inordinate amount of time at my friend's houses to party (so they don't come over and mess up my place) so I haven't dedicated the time to getting it all set up like I should have. But now, that I'm online, it's nice.

I've been up to a lot lately. I'm still working with the fine folks of the NorCal Aids Challenge. Check us out, we ride out in one month to send out our message of tolerance, HIV/AIDS research and awareness to a disease that is of importance to us all. It's been two years since I lost my big brother to AIDS and I miss him everyday. The loss of a brother, a big brother who spoiled and loved you so much, is unexplainable. I think he'd be proud of me, wherever he may be. Here's to you big brother.

http://www.norcalaidschallenge.org

Sponsor a rider, do a good deed. I still need to register myself. See what hanging out instead of training to ride, does to your time. We've been experiencing an abundance of rain, it's been crazy.

The last time I checked in, I was seeing a really funny, smart and self-destructive guy whom I adored. He made it possible for me to forget my ex-boyfriend and move on. Self-destructive guy had more issues than I realized at the time. We had so much fun together though, just hanging out, never arguing or being angry with the other. We just had a blast. I was falling kind of hard which was my mistake and my smoking buddies at work let me know this everyday. When it all hit the fan and he chose to be with his psycho ex-girlfriend (who, can I say, is not nearly as hot as I am, not even close) I was pretty hurt. But you know, that's life....if love doesn't hurt, we'd never feel it. It seems that, in our world, if things don't hurt, cause enormous, time-wasting pain, we don't pay attention. The things that are good for us, allude us, completely. Now, I don't have an answer for why we fall for bad girls or bad guys. I met a really beautiful lady in Los Angeles at an after-hours party and I wondered why I couldn't be into girls. Why in the hell did God fail me (not that I believe in God, but I like to blame him for whatever goes wrong and I may go to some kind of hell but whatever....)? How did I end up in hetero hell? According to my gay and lesbian friends, life is no greener or peachier on the other side.

So, me and self-destructive guy met up by the fate of St. Patrick Day. I was going to a doctor's appt. and leaving work in the mid day. Walking across Capitol Park, I stumbled upon him...didn't blink an eye. I watched him watch me. I got home later that day and prepared for my St. Patty's day party and received a call later on during the festivities. I was too busy hooking up with a very wonderful guy - the one you write Mom home about. I had forgotten self-destructive boy who permeated my mind and well (you know what else) for the months I didn't write in this blog. If I was getting laid, I wouldn't be writing in a blog like all the other internet geeks....but I do like to write and re-read my lines of monotony. I had to pause and clean my glasses (you ever notice how people who don't wear glasses, don't ever notice the shit caked up on your trusty lenses thereby never telling you that you that you're a mess? Yeah, I'm rambling again - must have picked that up from self-destructive boy)....

Self-destructive boy has really gotten me. I was fine...really, moving on and not thinking of how he ruined my art book, lied to me and gave me the greatest orgasms of my life...hmmm...that's what hormones and your heart do to you. So, I made the horrible mistake of calling him back on a drunken night after attending a really great 70s party. I woke up to the phone after my Saturday night call (no, no message left) on Sunday morning about 10am wondering who the hell was calling me and why I was wearing bright pink carnation pants (which are cute, really they are...at least on me) and why I hadn't changed into my pjs. It was self-destructive boy and I was ecstatic, yet I couldn't let it be known, not over the phone. So we caught up. The last time we spoke was mid-January around his birthday. We had this fabulous time and then everything went to shit after he started calling psycho ex-girlfriend and I was history for the moment.

The last thing I said to him was: "I hope she fucks you up" and guess what? She did. A good a-ha moment for me. He recalled that more than I believed he would. It was one of the first things he put out there. I laughed. Sure, I was happy he suffered during that time. I sure as hell did...writing bad poetry, getting drunk for no other reason than to be drunk and having to hear the wrath from my very good friends who let me know "See, I was right." Yeah, they were...friends usually are. But when you are as hard-headed as I am...you don't give a fuck. So, we were back to being friends again. I don't know wy I gave him a second chance but I felt he deserved it somehow. He apologized profusely and I was still numb. We ended up having the afternoon that we used to have....watching bad movies, talking shit about the people we knew and people we don't really know. It was great. Really great. I woke up the next morning, kissing him goodbye as he dashed off to work. Sunday grew into a week of me not answering messages or being at home at all.

My big brother called from Vegas and wondered if I was dead or getting laid...the second one was correct. One morning that I will never forget, is waking up and staring at the curtains in his bedroom and hearing him run around, cursing the morning and lack of hot water. I turned my head and smiled. It was nice to be in his bed, warm and comforting like him. He leaned over and kissed me just as I heard the door open and I knew that was the last I would see of him for the day. I thought, I should call out and say something to him...but that would be really cheesy, which I detest....being cheesy is just wrong. While these lines pervaded my morning thoughts, he walked back to his bed and leaned over just as I turned my head to be brave enough to say what was on my mind and he kissed me. It was long and slow and sweet. It was like three kisses encompassed in one long kiss. Those are always the best. That is my last memory of him.

He told me a week ago that his ex-psycho girlfriend had somehow (miraculously, and believe me, she doesn't strike me as that bright) discovered his new phone number. Well, I'm not buying it. As soon as he mentioned her, things changed like they had before. He asked for some time alone and I knew he wanted the time alone by his demeanor and resolve. He said yeah, I just didn't know how to say I needed some space. He's really bad about being co-dependent and so am I - in a way...but not really. When I first moved into my new apartment last September, I was good with being alone. I told people to bounce as soon as I was ready and all of my parties ended at midnight (being kind to the neighbors as well as myself).

Mostly, I was proud of him for letting me know that he needed his space. He's never been particularly good at letting his feelings be known. So, he walked me home last Monday and I haven't heard a peep from him since. The same guy who left me messages all weekend while I was in L.A. visiting my friend Michael. I remember checking my voicemail at home and thinking, that was sweet. No, it was bullshit. I wasn't looking for a new relationship or anything more than what we had. He asked me if I missed him over the phone while we talked. My friend Michael smiled at me and teased me for talking to "my sweetie" long distance as he prepared for our after-hours party.

I responded yes. I did miss him. I just saw him the morning I left on my supershuttle for L.A. Friday morning. How could I miss him? But, yeah, I did.

The good guy stopped by my house to say hello and that he wanted to show me some pics from ski trip. I thought it was sweet that he called me to tell me he was on my porch, wanting to say hello. We had a great date and went for pizza. He is handsome, bubbly, happy and would make anyone forget self-destructive boy....but not me.

Today is my mom's 66th birthday and the anniversary of my dad's death. He passed away thirteen years ago when I was sixteen. My dad was a lot like the self-destructive boys I like to date. I haven't really mourned his death, not since the funeral. This year, I was awakened by my big brother in Vegas. He's without both parents now. Mom died last year....so he's feeling the pain of being an orphan of sorts. I don't ever want to be there. I'm not ready to be alone. I know that my big brother in Vegas has become my dad in many ways but he'll never replace the real thing. For the first time in my life, I'm ready to forgive him and miss him like anyone would miss their father. I'm ready to forgive him for being an abusive, philandering, liar. That's a lot to forgive but it's time. I made a promise to myself a long time ago that I wanted to be healed by 30 years old...really whole...This September I turn 30....so, I'm right on schedule....

Next year, I'll be in New York City...struggling, pursuing and trying out a whole new life. I cannot wait. For now, I'll settle for middle of California mediocrity. Hey, it's growing on me.

Return of the Nubian Princess

2006-01-14T23:31:00.000-08:00

Return of the Nubian Princess

I have to say that keeping my good friend who's out for the count due to a knee injury has been fun, but I'm afraid that the "Gremlins" obsession is the last straw. When you're temporaily disabled, you get addicted to daytime tv, but my friend has taken it to a whole new level, bad Spielberg films and an addiction to how cute "gremlins" are. I believe he feels at one with the pure and frivilous nature of the "gremlins" because let's be honest, we don't all enjoy the luxury of living the lifestyles of the rich and the famous - we are not allowed to get drunk, drive drunk and get off due to our status in life, kill our wives and get off or smoke crack and become the mayor of D.C. Love Good Charlotte putting that out there. I'm too old to listen to Good Charlotte but I do. Who says Generation X is dead?! Who?

The holidays have come and gone and corporate America has made their money. We're all broke but that's okay because, that's exactly the way wealthy Americans would like to keep it. George Bush Jr. is still in office and I'm getting tired of hiding out from my country's leader. If you avoid the innaguaral address of your (elected is debatable for sure!) elected representative, cringe when he delivers a message to the country or downright lie about your American status when you travel, there's an issue. A serious one. I'm still ashamed to be American and as soon as I learn Dutch, I'm off to Amsterdam. For now, I'll settle for New York City for now.

I feel 2006 is going to be a great year. I've woken up from my pity party and life after a break-up is just fine. I love living alone, I love not sharing a bed and I love, love, love, having a lighter laundry load and since discovering a drop-off and delivery dry-cleaning service I'm nothing short of hyped. As I re-read my old blogs, I realized how much I'd moved to a different plateau and felt like I evolved somehow. The plain old truth is this: You don't ever move to some higher level and become a supreme being. You just grow up. That's all that happens. I really enjoy the proces too...fucking up, choosing bad partners, getting to work late too often, forgetting to prioritize, whatever (a word I never use because it sounds self-defeating, like you don't believe in what you're spewing out - because you should believe what comes out of your mouth, nothing is an accident, no matter how much we'd like it to be)...

I was lucky enough to make some extra cash doing something I love: Fundraising. I worked for a local HIV/AIDS volunteer-supported agency on their silent auction prize section for a recent event. I did really well. Every item sold that evening...no left-overs. I made enough money to fly to Vegas and bond with my big brother for four nights and five days. I fondled the remote control and lived like a desert local. It was sweet. Apparently, I rang in the New Year pretty hammered, lying on a toilet seat reaking of alcohol poisoning. The next day I recieved a lecture from my brother's wife on the do's and don'ts of drinking. At 6am, all I could think of was this: Shut the fuck up and get me to Southwest Airlines so I can board my 1 and a 1/2 hour flight and I don't have to hear this hypocritical nonsense from a woman who stuffs my fifteen niece full of junk food and allows her to have a cell phone and a boyfriend before she's even college-bound. Nevertheless, Vegas is Disneyland for crackheads and I fucking enjoyed every tweaker-casino-reaking moment of it. Where else can you buy cigs, beer and play a slot machine while you wait for your transaction to be approved. Where else can you watch "Walk the line" - a Johny Cash biopic - and drink Hennessy straight from the bottleat a sixteen screen movie theater and have no one turn you in to the concession stand staff?

I love Vegas. Thanks to all who have read my blog and found it interesting. I just like to talk a lot of shit, smoke too many cigarettes and find myself way too amusing for one's own good. But you know what, that's why this blog is entitled Return of the Nubian Princess. It's all about being self-important and then realizing the obvious: You're not that important. No one cares about this fuckin' blog but you and your friends (and maybe, they're lying to you too!)

Happy New Year and Damn the man!

Thanks to a really special friend who drove two hours to visit with me, shop till' we fuckin' were broke, ate lots of food, and watched loads of tv and tweaked out on hair products. My friend believes my underwear fetish is fierce, but so is her addiction to having perfect hair. So there! And thanks to her lover boy boy for buying dinner. I always knew he'd turn out to be the one and thank your lucky stars that I threw that party and thank the ex-boyfriend for suggesting that he and lover boy check out my party. Alls well that ends well, huh?

"If love be rough with you, be rough with love, prick love for pricking, and you've beat love down!"

---Mercutio "William Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet"

"A plague on both your houses!"

---Mercutio "William Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet"

I'm out, it's Saturday, and I'm drunk; Here's to MLK, Jr. Day

"For 19.95, you too can be a proud African American with a new-found history and heritage. A new last name for 14.95, (shipping and handling not included)

----Mary

Flying Solo & Other Musings

2005-11-05T16:51:00.000-08:00

It's been hard to not allow myself to admit that seperating from a partner is hard to do but possibly even more difficult is sleeping alone. Slide into the middle of your bed and you're never think twice about it again...my teddy bear (given to me by Mommie Dearest of course) works wonders. I'm in San Francisco - just needed to get away and disappear without letting anyone know I'm in town except the person I'm visiting. My single apartment, my single dish, my single fork and my Tivo are my new housemates and I shouldn't complain. I've had my one-night stands, my hook-ups with old friends and I have to say, that aspect of flying solo is nice. No dirty boxers in my bathroom or uneaten food, uncapped jars or empty beer bottles to shuffle through...it's just me.

I've done a ton of traveling in the past three months: Louisville, KY, Pittsburgh, PA, and one week ago I was in Philadelphia. What a city....I almost restructured my plans from moving to NYC to Philly. The people really love their town and have a sense of who they are. They are also lucky enough have over 2,000 murals to be claim as a unique feature of their city. San Francisco has kept up their mural obsession in the Mission District but it doesn't touch Philly as far as the quantity. I visisted Elfreth's Alley (similiar to Beacon Hill), a treasure of an old neighborhood built back in the sixteenth century and still inhabited by wealthy Philadelphians. I loved it.

So this time next year, I'm hoping to be in NYC...I had such a blast visiting my best friend in Brooklyn and catching up with old friends in the Lower East Side. We stood out on Times Square while I smoked a cigarette and marveled at the beauty of the city - so large and massive that one could feel lost and found simultaneously. I left the city with that feeling and it's called me to return ever since.

I'm planning to continue my non-profit work in sexual assault and have a few ideas about some agencies in NYC and Brooklyn....living in Manhattan will be a challenge but my friend's third-floor walk-up in the lower east side was too cute...but probably over a grand a month if not more....we'll see...

The premiere of the film version of RENT (http://www.sonypictures.com/movies/rent/) has been the highlight of my brain and I can't wait to view it at least 10 times in the first two months it's out....it's the first musical of my generation that really spoke to me - as a young woman just trying to survive, live, work, party and eat and be there for my friends as they embark on their own adventures. I have also have a lot of friends with disabilities: cancer, arthirtis, lupus, HIV, etc. With that in my mind, I can never worry about life changes, ending a relationship, etc. because it seems so trivial in the grand schemes of things....I'm learning to worry less, have a litttle more fun and welcome lonliness, the tears of being lonely and realizing that it's okay to ask for a break every now and then...it's not necessary to have those three things in life: love, a good job and a place to lay your head at night. You can make up whatever three or ten things you may need. For me: it's three things: friendships (the good, longstanding, drama-free ones), love of oneself, and a purpose in life (which I have many).

Later,

and an expected return of the Nubian Princess

Second Chances & Work-related bullshit

2005-08-28T02:25:00.000-07:00

Return of the Nubian Princess

So good news. I went to a party and met a really cool younger guy. He was funny, shy and intelligent and we spent two days together doing absolutely nothing but having a great time together. I think the time apart and me slowly moving forward to experience someone new triggered something in my partner. That was an aha-told-ya-you'd-miss-me-moment. Yeah, partners can be slow that way. They finally come to their senses and realize that you're the shit and what the fuck were they thinking. We had a great conversation and decided to work slowly and move ahead and see what happens. I'm relieved, happy, apprehensive and psyched that we're doing this. Real love takes a lot of out of you. Most people are divorced in this country due to a lack of appreciation for their partners, not being honest about sex and many other issues. My partner was initially upset and sorrowful about my move forward...but he later said that he was supportive of me finding what I needed and enjoying it. He realized that if you don't give enough, you'll lose a lot. I learned the same lesson.

My best friend just moved to a new city to explore a job opportunity and get out of a messy workplace. Both of deciphered the hard way that in the workplace, trust no one. Those bitchy queens will fuck with you, ostracize you, and do everything in their power to be sly and fake as a pair of implants about how they really feel. These round-about, ass-backward meetings that waste time; passive-agressive behavior coming from those who should know better compiled with adolescent and unprofessional tactics drives me up the fucking wall...I breathed a sigh of relief and let it all go. In the end, who really cares? We're all going to die, life will move on without our bullshit. What you do at work today won't matter in the long run.

Things fall apart (according to a kick-ass Roots album) and you have control over nothing. I'm prepping to travel for a meeting and I'm looking forward to getting away and enjoying the excursion/work. Sometimes we get so wrapped in the details that we lose sight of why we're here: to live, love and eat/drink our existence away. What's wrong with that?

I'm up late and in a great mood. My buddy made it to NYC with her boyfriend and I so need to catch up with her tomorrow. I've missed her energy. Well, I'm off to catch up to the important things in life: celebrity gossip, the war crawling up Bush's ass and tribe.net. Take it easy.

Moving, thinking & Wondering Where I'll End Up

2005-08-20T18:45:00.000-07:00

Return of the Nubian Princess

When relationships end it seems that most people are ready to bust a 5150 and sign up for failed life but it's really not as bad as everyone chalks it up to be...I guess it could be worse. Here I am sitting in my pajamas writing to an open blog about my own fears of moving on because I'm not sure exactly how one does that after a three year relationship, living together, sharing socks, food and netflix. I've gone through all of the sad, emotional ups and downs that breaking away brings, now I just have to find an apartment and feel better. Sleep in the middle of my bed and watch "Sideways" - a really great piece of entertainmnet about a man starting over after a divorce. For some reason I bond more with the "men moving on" films than the films about women moving on but there are exceptions: "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" was a dual story, it didn't just focus on Joel needing a mind-eraser to toss the hurt and pain away...Clementine was the one who brilliantly decided to have her memories of Joel erased and didn't have any regrets. I wonder if I will have any regrets. Will my mind slowly erase my ex-boyfriend? Will this seperation of living spaces erode our love? Will we slowly find new lovers and forget each other. Slowly, I do feel as if I'm disappearing from his vision. We don't talk anymore and that is fine I guess. It wasn't fine two hours ago or yesterday, but today, right now. I'll survive. A really big cure for my mini-depression would be a really big hug from a really handsome guy...a night of drinks on the river and just a long conversation/flirtation. Sounds great, doesn't it?

Well, on the bright side, I have a week in Louisville, Ky to look forward to at the end of the month. It will be my first conference, planning, logistics - all the fun of meeting planning. Should be be a great trip to have a fling or meet a new soulmate, or just to relax when I'm not working.

I've rebonded with my old best friend and that feels fantastic. We talk and laugh and share thoughts on life like we used to, but now, it's so much better without the interference of long, drawn-out discussions on someone in our group fighting or being a complete bitch. It's healthy, it's carefree and I really like having my friend back in my life for the third time.

The funeral was just that, a gathering of sad folks. My big brother was the highlight, seeing him again after not speaking was excellent. He was really happy to see me and gave me that gigantic hug I had been waiting for. I can't wait to plan a trip to see him this new year's or so. We'll see how it goes. I miss my niece, who will be fifteen next month. I'll be 29, wow, I'm excited and celebrating that fact in Pittsburgh, PA a week later. I have a lot of cool things happening and you never know where the day takes you.

When I'm less moody and more about sharing the positivity, I'll return...Later.

The return of the TAO: Mistakes made, Lessons engraved

2005-07-29T00:20:00.000-07:00

I have no idea where to begin, but it has been quite an impactful 8 days. I waited until now to finally jot down my thoughts about my weekend in the Bay Area and my week back in Sacramento. Friday afternoon, my best girlfriend called and let me know she'd be in my neck of the woods so of course we jumped on collaborating and talking for the next hour I had left at work. I cancelled my plans and hopped on a train to San Jose. I had never taken the train area and I had a blast.

It is always my good fortune and luck to meet cool folks wherever I travel...it's been that since I was young. My new friend and I drank a bottle of wine together after getting acquainted at the stoplight in downtown Sac. I was running to catch my train and he was crossing the street with ease. My ex-boyfriend Russell was instrumental in getting me to the station area. Thank goodness he happened to be on his way to work so I hopped a ride. This guy turned out to be my soul mate in many ways as our conversation flowed from politics to life and funny stories, past memories and any topic we deemed appropriate.

We lost track of time and space as we spoke, he even forgot to change his work shoes. He's a politico with dreams and I know he'll achieve them, he seems very ambitious, smart and a dedicated boyfriend. I was very impressed with him as a person. He gave me hope about relationships and their validity and stability. All in all, I was sad to say goodbye but glad to see him reunite with his girlfriend who was as psyched to see him as he was her. He bought her some gifts, fun stuff he found along the way to the station. That was very cool of him.

It made me seriously ponderr why I was such a failure at my own relationship but I let myself ease up since relationships come and go and they are all difficult to let go of. It should be easy to communicate, but sometimes you get to a point of too much hurt, confusion and pain that you can no longer differentiate between the past and the present...and no matter how hard you try - you'll never remove the past mistakes that started the drama in the first place. I hate that...but I'll grow stronger and be a more a reliable partner with all of my past drama in check...at least that is the goal.

Friday night we had the most delicious Thai food in the south bay, reminisced and talked about our pasts, present and future plans. She'll be around for a long time, this friend of mine. Time apart gives us the glory of an unbreakable bond and we love each other so much. We admire and respect each other in ways I have never been able to do with a romantic partner. Friends like this one are worth more than riches or success. To have a friend and confidante like her is the greatest gift to me. Her brother has grown so much and I was just buggin' out on it, as was she when she called to check in today...

We all worry about those close to us and hope they do not repeat our past indiscretions; we want the best for them, almost like a parent - just a bit more bossy! I reminded her that friendships like relationships end and they can be painful. This is a new relationship of adulthood that she is embarking on and she has to respec the growth and change as good. Not following a set path will work for her brother. I worry about my brother in the same way and he's way older than me. Family can make us so happy and so crazy at the same time, at least for me. My buddy agreed and is so damn proud of her younger sibling, she's just adjusting and that is the most awesome thing in the world. Their bond is beautiful and I am nothing short of envious...she has something most people do not have in their lifetimes. You go girl! : )

Somehow in less than two full days we traveled to San Francisco and checked out Bernal Heights. Check out the Bernal site: http://www.bernalhill.com/BernalHeights.htm

After a lively tour of my old stomping grounds we headed down Wool Street crossing Eugenia and the corner store my parents owned during my childhood - Wool Street Grocery. My parents were the first Black entrepreneurs in the neighborhood and probably SF at the time my father purchased it in the 70s. We skipped down past the oldest B of A, the grocery store, an old juke shop turned cute niche store but our stop at the most kick ass bar in town, Wild Side West, which was the best for my little tour duo. http://sanfrancisco.citysearch.com/profile/889567/san_francisco_ca/wild_side_west.html

We ate icecream at Maggie Mudds - vegan icecream rocks the house! http://sanfrancisco.citysearch.com/profile/38055270/san_francisco_ca/maggie_mudd_ice_cream_and_internet_cafe.html

We also climbed the hill and took glamorous shots on the unique heat wave the city experienced. It was outstanding, the view, the company, the graffiti art show we ran into, driving through the richmond district and cruising up to the Golden Gate Bridge. We happily jumped out to act silly at the vista point with all the other tourists watching the thick tufts of fog roll over the Marin Headlines, a gorgeous site with my friends in the background. We got back on the road, listening to music while chatting, giving driving directions, etc.

We landed in Tiburon to enjoy a sweet day in a posh town. I have always loved it due to it's remote location. It's an island! I insisted forever... No, it's really a peninsula - http://www.familytravelguides.com/articles/pacificstates/San_Francisco/tiburon.html.

We had snacks and drinks at Sam's Cafe, a Tiburon staple - http://www.samscafe.com/
Very cool atmosphere and a saweeeet view of SF and the sea of yachts and boats docked off the peninsula.

In San Rafael we capped off our day with the viewing of my second apartment where I became a woman. Her brother found this information quite amusing. We traveled to my first college campus and wandered the grounds a bit soaking in the ivy and the college atmosphere. Glad to be done! Down to fourth street promenade for a stroll until we hit a great little Mexican restaurant where we chowed and chatted. I thought about my best friend Florencia packing up to leave for NYC soon. I had spent a lot of time visiting her before the big move. She and I had celebrated her b-day in style just earlier this month. We saw some old college friends and got to hang out with the craziest Pilipina, Lory. It was so awesome to see everyone this year! We dialed up Flo to coordinate a drop off point for me and directions for the duo to get back to the South Bay. We covered the Bay Area with our trip to Oakland with Flo meeting up with someone she hadn't seen in years! The reunion was sweet but sad as I said goodbye to one friend and hello to another.

Flo and I slept side by side barely keeping our eyes open for our favorite flick, Dream for an Insomniac...a cheesy film about love and youth set in SF, of course! The next morning we had a dilectable breakfast made by the great Florencia. Her good friend came by and we laughed about celeb gossip and scoured the mags Lory was good enough to leave for our neurotic pleasure. After eats and saying hello and catching up with her ex-boyfriend Jesse and his gal-pal. This girl is a living genuis...I had no idea! She's brilliant, as Flo would say, but in the cool Europeon way.

A bike ride to Flo's job was fun as I barely mounted Jesse's mountain bike, he's a bit taller than I. We drank coffee and surfed the net, chatting back and forth. I checked my mail to discover another old friend had "McGuyver-ed" her way back to me. Anna and I have been friends since grade school and we fell out two years ago. Apparently so had she with two of our old friends from high school and one of them needed us very badly. Her mother had passed away. I quickly responded to the email since the services were going on that Sunday and Monday. I was nervous and scared and elated and just out of my mind with the overwhelming notion of showing up at the rosary that evening to see a friend who was really angry at me for my rapid departure out of life, leaving monetary debt and confusion. It worked out very well, thanks to Flo for being so supportive and taking BART into SF last minute and braving a church full of strangers.

My old friend and I talked, listened and just stared at the other in bewilderment and amazement. Fate has a cool way of bringing those together to heal, regroup or move on. All in all, I felt happy, proud to have known all of these folks at one time or another. I feel a real big discussion coming on wtih Anna. We are trying to get together and talk. At this point in my life, I am ready to rehash, apologize and move forward with a new outlook. I have no regrets about my need to drop friends and grow up. I had so much of it to do and it has been an amazing journey. I can see the difference and I had to get out of the unhealthy aspects and I had to fuck up royally as much as they screwed up and we all needed to be where we are. I don't think the other two would have bonded had some of us left the picture...everyone is healthy and alive and that is all that matters. I watched my friend down an ale and I really meditate on her overall well-being. Losing parents is tough as shit and that feeling cannot be healed right off the bat... I understand and I just couldn't help but want to hug her for hours...for our friendship and for the mother she has to say "until later" to.

This week flew by and I talked to Anna for an hour or more....it was good to clear the air and have fun in our conversation. I think she's a strong lady and has grown as the others have grown. She has always been a spunky chick. I am happy she embraced her needs and got into a relationship she enjoys and experiencing things I have not. It's a good thing.

My week breezed by at work and then slowed down and I was just dead tired by Thursday afternoon. I napped, relaxed, read mags and watched tv movies for the first time in days. I am psyched that I had this great time and reconnection with so many people. I'm lucky like that.

Later...

Fashion Show in SF

2005-07-20T16:27:00.000-07:00

Return of the Nubian Princess

So here's some more info on the fashion show in San Francisco. It will be in Union Square. Bali Fashion Week.

Here is a link to the event:

www.indonesianday.com

Cruise Control

2005-07-19T21:51:00.000-07:00

Return of the Nubian Princess

I just read that Tom Cruise flew his favorite chefs around the world for his glorious birthday and served veal. Brooke Shields can't take medication for post partum but he can support slaughtering animals?! Now he's the wacked out hypocrite. Tom Cruise has never been my dream guy so he can kiss my ass. Katie, wake up! The millions you are being promised is not worth it, your career is tanking anyway. Batman Begins has hit the jackpot and there is no mention of the great Katie delivering a kick ass performance. Remember "Pieces of April" - pre-cruise, hit the control button Katie, now!

So the BF and I are going through a seperation next month. I'll be getting my own digs and it's the healthiest decision we both have made. Meeting when I was 25 and he 28, (my age now) was rough and growing up, living together, made it rougher. I'm doing great though....we're still best friends, we'll stick go out and have a great time together. It will be good.

What's coming up? Sac Valley Aids Walk in Sept. My team captain time will start heating up after our big meeting this Sunday. I designed a bunch of posters myself - Rosie the Riveter is our symbol of pride.

GLAAD summer party in August! I'm going to volunteer and have a great day in the city by the bay. I also volunteered to do a photo shoot for some PR stuff as well. GLAAD is the organization I would most like to work for. So I'm working the connections!

The war on terror, Karl Rove and the fucking facist liars in the white house are so far up my ass that I can't think of our nation without puking. It's time for my daily dose of the DSM (Downing Street Blog). I get my neighbor to fill me in and give me the scoop when I'm just too tired to read about the daily dose of drama going on in the world.

Until further rants.....later.

Career-wise

2005-07-15T19:33:00.000-07:00

Return of the Nubian Princess

So I've been traveling and working a lot this week. I spent last week in Louisville, KY for a site visit for my job. I had a fuckn' blast. I was able to see one of my oldest and greatest friends of all time: KJ. This woman just rocks the house. Something about the presence she holds when you speak to her and she just really gets me as I get her....she's known me since I was a backpack carrying nineteen-year old with stars in my eyes and an innocence that would make you puke. Those were the days! I'm just realizing how old I'm getting, looking back on the old days of my early twenties, the friends I've kept, lost or left behind. KJ is amazing for coming to the airport to see me. I have missed her but in the best way...I love that my good friends live so far away, it makes me appreciate them more.

Louisville is awesome for its southern groove, because you can smoke cigs everywhere and it's still pristine on the streets. I picked up some bourbon-flavored coffee beans and a cookbook for Russell's parents. They're going to love it I hope.

I went to Oakland for the weekend and visited my very best friend Florencia who is leaving me for the east coast by way of Brooklyn or Queens. I can't wait to see her off. I know what an amazing place NY is and she is going to fit that place like a leather glove and just make it a bit brighter. I also caught up with my old roomie Lory...how fantastic was that? I love the opportunity to see old friends. We had a birthday celebration for Flo and partied and I was in heaven, being back in the bay. I attended a reading by one of the best spoken word performers and Flo's boyfriend, DeWayne Dickerson. He wrote a book of poems called "Chunky." It was awesome to get off my plane and hear him speak at the Phoenix Bookstore. I spent countless hours in that same store during high school in SF. I pointed out my high school, Immaculate Conception Academy, to her and some of my old stomping grounds. Looking at my high school was like an alternate universe.

Today I watched a Showtime flick called "Speak" chronicling the life of a girl unhinged by acquaintance rape. My co-worker presented the flick to a group of woman and we discussed the pros and cons of the storyline and our thoughts on the topic of sexual assault. I sat there and had an ephipany of what I want to do with my life. I want to continue to write, but I'd like to work in media and represent Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault. So, I'm on my way since I work for a federally funded organization in town. All in all, it's been an awesome month. I'm in love with life today.

My boyfriend is also having a great day as well. He just bought stock into our landlord's bar and he'll manage it as well as learn some business skills which he'll totally rock at. I'm so excited for him. He deserves all the success in the world. And, I get to drink for free! : )

Well, off to enjoy my Friday night!

4th of July - Paso Robles Style

2005-07-03T18:55:00.000-07:00

Return of the Nubian Princess

So I'm soaking up the glorious rays of San Luis Obispo County in "the best kept secret" town of Paso Robles. My boyfriend's parents have built themselves the most wonderful hideaway about 5 miles or so away from downtown Paso Robles. The last time I was in PR was 2004, as a volunteer for Aids Lifecycle - a 7-day cycling event to raise funds and awareness for HIV/AIDS. It was particularly cold at that time but the weather has switched abruptly and it's 92 degrees during the day and 56 degrees at night. I couldn't believe the miles of land between homes, the calm that settles over you as you listen closely and only hear the buzz of bees, flies and their dog Katie barking off in the distance. It is amazing out here. We drove into town and visited Russell's Aunt Doots, who lives with her pup and hates gardening and unpacking as much as I do! hehehe...she's great. We all shared a very delicious meal out on the patio last night under the stars, smoking cigars (and my ciggie) after dinner. Chatter, laughter and poking fun at each other was the theme of the evening. I just read an article about the issue of restraining orders in this nation - they obviously only protect those who are not in critical danger which leaves those who are in a serious situation. It looks like they are dragging their feet to do something about it but at least the topic is out in the open - as it has been for years but - I can't be cynical - times have changed since the rule of thumb law...

Russell's mother Robin said that she couldn't believe that this violence existed: I just remember the love. Yeah, I hear her completely. Where is the love? It's still there, we just don't hear about it as often as I would like.

This 4th of July, the theme should be love, admist the war and death toll in Iraq, (for an update check out: www.iraqbodycount.net
- a site run by academics and peace activists), and the fight for civil liberties, we should give everyone a big fucking hug and say I love you.

Tomorrow is not promised as I learned Saturday morning. My sweet grandmother, (really my half-brother's mother), Lois, passed away - leaving a family at a loss for words. She was undeniably wonderful to me, kind and sweet despite having been married to my mysogynistic-philandering-wife-beating-father. She lost my brother Bernard to AIDS, she lost her youngest son Christopher to a gun-shot wound in Richmond, CA. I was not surprised to hear that she was gone. How could someone live through that? My mother never really survived the loss of her youngest Gregory. I have not spoken to my family yet but I dread going home to make that phone call to my mom, who was close to Lois and my brother and sister, Jerome and Jackie. I have no idea how they must be feeling. Especially Jackie, who went through some issues with her mother and brother Jerome in the last year following my brother Bernard's death. I'm meditating for the best. But with death, comes healing and growth, I hope this holiday weekend will be healing for myself and everyone.

In response to the Opression of Pornography

2005-06-30T13:04:00.000-07:00

Return of the Nubian Princess

Hey, someone liked my ravings and rantings enough to publish them on their website: The Mackinnon Essay: Letters to the Ethical Spectacle. Check it out!

http://www.spectacle.org/0705/letters.html

Blame Canada! (for being the best of the west)

2005-06-28T22:04:00.000-07:00

Return of the Nubian Princess

Check it out!

http://www.canada.com/ottawa/
ottawacitizen/news/
story.html?id=6163074f-34bb-4707-86ab-d01313937958

The War on Women - a War Bush Ignores

2005-06-28T20:37:00.000-07:00

Return of the Nubian Princess

Here is the link to the story on a Colorado woman who has the federal courts an the Castle Rock Police Department to hold responsible for the death of her three children.

http://sltrib.com/utah/ci_2828358

More than ever, we need to pass the Violence Against Women Act. For more information visit:

U.S. Department of Justice Office on Violence Against Women: http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/vawo/

Asshole addresses the nation

2005-06-28T17:53:00.000-07:00

Return of the Nubian Princess

Did anyone see that liar stand up and address the nation with a smirk on his face? His war agenda and this new mission to fight terrorism in Iraq is disgusting. While he slashes funding for rape crisis centers and slashes our right to law enforcement we have to swallow it all with a
"God bless with you all!" "Stay in the fight until the fight is won..." What kind of bullshit is that? I am way too angry right now. I am an American not a christian, and I don't like being addressed with "God" involved anywhere in his speeches - it looms with a hidden agenda - I feel as if slowly, he is killing our democracy, our right to abortion, our rights to marry..he is killing us softly and by 2008 - even Hilary Rodham Clinton won't be able to save us! Fuck!
His war agenda is driving me stark raving mad, he could care less about this country's real issues, he has this obsession with killing people that is disgusting. We are officially in hell.

http://www.trendsresearch.com

http://www.in-forum.com/articles/index.cfm?id=96159§ion=Opinion

Free Zach from his parents and hate

2005-06-22T21:23:00.000-07:00

Free Zach...when I read about Zach, the Tennessee teen whose parents forced him into isolation over being gay I almost thought of booking a plane ticket, but alas, I'm broke. My gut tells me that his parents are insane, that our president endorses this fear of the unknown and that I hate this country.

The wonderful, supportive comments from around the nation inspired me to write and talk about Zach and show my support. Love will prevail, it always does. Hang in there Zach! When you return to the overwhelming support you've received across the web, you will remember who you are. There are so many strangers who love you and have never shared a soda with you...it's incredible.

Support Zach:
www.loveisloveislove.com

Friday, June 17, 2005

Free Zach
After coming out to his parents, 16-year old Zach has been whisked away to a fundie-Christian reprograming camp in Tennessee called "Refuge" (run by the anti-gay organization "Love in Action") where he is supposed to learn how not to be gay. It's a familiar story, except in this case Zach shared his experience on his blog before leaving for camp re-education (check out the camp's "rules and regulations" - they're not allowed to wear Abercrombie & Fitch - how ridiculous). Zach's friends have been diligently spreading the word about his exile and it's now making the news and sparking community protest.

Contact the haters who are holding Zach:
Refuge is the camp (contact info on their site); Love in Action is the group (email Director John Smid at Directorjjsmid@loveinaction.org)

Cool groups in the area that work against this kind of homophobia; show them your support:
Memphis Area Gay Youth
PFLAG Memphis
Memphis Gay & Lesbian Community Center

Edited to add: Free Zach site with links to media, and a new group called Queer Action Coalition that led the protests of LIA. Also, Margaret's letter to Zach.
- posted by Keri @ 10:41 AM 5 comments

Thank you for Blogging

2005-06-22T14:01:00.000-07:00

It is amazing how much Blogs have been attacked by employers, the media and now the government. I've been very interested in folks like Greg Palast (thanks to a neighbor for turning me on to his commentary) and the DSM ( a now hard-to-ignore blog) which attacks Prime Minister Tony Blair and our illiterate President.

We never found those pesky WMDs but I really hope we impeach President Bush
AKA (Elitist Racist Prick)!

Have a great day and check out the DSM!

www.downingstreetmemo.com
www.downingstreetmemo.com/blog.html
www.gregpalast.com

Glaad & Proud - Pride 2005

2005-06-18T13:50:00.000-07:00

As I walked through the Festival Pavillion's parking lot in San Francisco, I was stunned but not surprised to see activists from the infamous Fred Phelps-sponsored website: http://www.godhatesfags.com

Seven or so odd characters held rainbow colored poster boards designed to communicate to the attendees of the 16th Annual Glaad Media Awards just how deep their commitment ran and how much they were "filled with christ's love."

"God Hates Fags," and "Thank God for 9/11" were some of the choice messages.

Giving thanks to God for 9/11 was especially confusing, being that it is pretty presumptious to speak on behalf of God and a very messy business misquote God. God hates the sin of homosexuality according to the "good book," not the individuals that practice it. God also doesn't claim the hate agenda nor can it be located in any bible or biblical resource. Why would God decide there is any validity to hate a chosen, well-planned project such as the creation of human existence? We have already figured out that God did not intend for African Americans to live in abject poverty, segregated from education and free will as this country willingly permitted without shame or discourse. Replacing African Americans with the LGBTQI community is just as proposterous and we know it's wrong. I firmly believe God really dislikes the decision to freely and knowledgeably judge, harass and commit acts of unspeakable violence against other human beings because knowing that an act is a sin and committing that sin voluntarily is the antithesis of God who represents one thing: Truth.

Only human beings are capable of that kind of hypocrisy, not the spirit that invented life. Also, every human being that lost their lives to the tragedy of 9/11 represented various groups of people, including those who claim to be children of God.

I realized that these so-called "Soldiers of Christ" will use any form of ignorance to get their message across, no matter how misguided or incorrect it may be. These anti-gay protesters really believe they are making a difference.
There were more people inside celebrating the Glaad (Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation - http://www.glaad.org) Media Awards than those representing bigotry outside. Many San Franciscans drove through the Marina District honking their horns in annoyance at the group's unwelcome prescence. Members of the SFPD were scattered throughout the area to maintain the peace and one officer even calmed a young woman down when she grew angry over the 9/11 jab. He politely reminded her that they were trying to get a rise out of her and that she was too intelligent to let them succeed. I totally agreed.

Jennifer Beals and Rita Moreno were among the celebrities honored that evening as well as a host of journalists, television stars, writers and filmmakers. It was the best way to cap off a long day of celebrating my pride - pride in my city, my fellow civil rights activists and pride for all of my LGBTQI sisters and brothers.

Earlier that morning, I attended the first Sacramento Pride Parade (http://www.sacpride.org) in 22 years. My friends from the NorCal Aids Challenge would be visible in the parade as well as various members of organizations, bars & nightclubs, restaurants and politicians such as Mayor Heather Fargo and Assemblymember & San Franciscan Mark Leno. I took dozens of photos cheering and laughing as I rode my bike to follow the parade. It was so amazing to see to see so many members from the area come out and support their gay neighbors!

I interviewed and photographed members of the Sisters of Scota
(http://www.soswmc.com), a 26 year-old women's motorcycle club and non-profit corporation based in the Sacramento area. These women are true heroines and leaders who walk the walk by volunteering their time and motor vehicles to national pride celebrations, cycling events, (such as the NorCal Aids Challenge), a slew of national charities and breast cancer fundraisers. Finding a cure for breast cancer is the most important issue to the Sisters since many members have lost a loved one or have come pretty close to it. The Sisters of Scota lead the parade alongside the Valley Knights, their male equivalent. They rode as one to signify the solidarity that needs to occur in order for all forms of prejudice to end and for healing to begin.

When I returned to Sacramento I uploaded the photos from the Glaad Awards and Sacramento Pride and began writing my article for Curve Magazine. I made my deadline and Emailed photos along with my submission. I really hope my piece makes it into the September/October issue - that would be an awesome birthday gift since my birthday falls in mid-September!

Here's to you Mrs. Robinson

2005-06-08T18:28:00.000-07:00

I've been absent for a bit. I got back to work and just fell right into life again. In May, our inspired team set out to the inland areas of Northern California for the first NorCal Aids Challenge, (http://www.norcalaidschallenge.com). It was so fantastic, out of element, cheering on 20 cyclists who took four days out of their lives to stand up and rally around a cause. I have been an HIV/AIDS activist for almost ten years, (I attended AIDS Walk San Francisco in the summer of 1996), and I never been so moved by a small group of citizens biking through rain and mist, barely able to see in front of them.

My group rocks! We followed the cyclists in vans and cars for 380 miles of laughter, tears and pure excitement. We built rest stops at churches, recreation centers and parks. We sat on the curb playing music, dancing in the streets with pom poms and blasting music by Queen. It was perfect. All four days. Getting back to work was tough and I missed my new friends - friends that will always know what it means to wipe butt balm on their ass in broad daylight and not give a shit and what it's like to purchase feminine products in the smallest towns with one general store selling cowboy boots and tacos. Inland Northern California is a very beautiful area. The towns of Oroville, Colusa and Marysville were among my favorites. The townies loved us and we even got a write-up in one of the Yuba/Marysville paper applauding our efforts. It looks like we've raised over $70,000 in funding for our local agencies - CARES Clinic, Breaking Barriers and the Aids Housing Alliance/Open Arms Project. Working for the planning committee, acquiring donations for our evening program and being a volunteer crew for this event was the highlight of my year.

I'm also ready to add freelance writer to my list of goals attained. I won a bid to write a short article for Curve Magazine (www.curvemag.com) about the Sacramento Pride event. It will be our first parade in 22 years and quite a celebration. If accepted, my piece will run in the September/October 2005 issue. Sweet!

I'll be in San Francisco volunteering for the 16th Annual GLAAD Awards this weekend. Jennifer Beals is being honored and I'm so there! GLAAD is my dream organization to work for, right up there with the ACLU, Gay & Lesbian Task Force, Equality California or Miramax! Actually, if I could do anything, I'd choose leisure, writing from home and a fat Hilton inheritance to live off of...tell me again, why wasn't I born an heiress? Oh yeah, it's because no one loves me! : )

I'm still living on the dream of being adopted by Oprah. She'll see how cool I am, I'd wash my own clothes, do the dishes and give her back rubs after a hard day at Harpo, Inc. : )

My new position as a program specialist for an organization that assists women with disabilities is very rewarding and I'm so happy that the unemployment blues are gone for now. I do have to watch out for budget cuts and President Bush's wandering eye on our fiscal security but for now, I'm drinking mint tea and not worrying too much.

Last but not least - here's to Anne Bancroft, my hero. A woman of strength, beauty, grace and the ultimate style. She passed away June 6, 2005 of cancer. We will miss you, Mrs. Robinson.
Check out "How to Make an American Quilt" - it's another one of those tear-jerker flicks where Anne demonstrates her ability to truly embody a character. She was to acting what Howard Hughes was to aviation.

random-item: Burritos right out of the fridge are amazing...thank you Russell for opening up my world!

life & shit:

Why sit around worrying, stressing and carrying on like a big fat baby about dysfunction when you can create your own satisfactory life without approval from others?

I am filled with Christ's Love!

--Mary Faye (Mandy Moore)
Saved! (2004)

The Pope, Mrs.Schaivo, & A new pair of jeans

2005-04-08T18:38:00.000-07:00

I've been really wearing out my old levi's but it's so hard to find a great pair of jeans that you can't wait to get into when all of your other clothes are dirty and you know these jeans won't let you down. That's the thing about the jeans, they last longer than any relationship, a quart of your favorite ben and jerry's and your last orgasm (hey, maybe yours are longer than mine, don't rub it in).

The pope passing was like Reagan passing, I just didn't give a fuck. I'm not religious and I was happy to see that he lived a full life but I never saw the point to worshipping an old man who could barely put together sentences months before his death. He was just another idol that many Americans place on a pedestal because they don't have anything else to do but line up outside of St. Peter's Church to catch a glimpse of a man they never knew. I was highly unimpressed with his work to sweep the sexual assault charges against Roman Catholic priests under the rug. These allegations still swim fervently through society and we're clicking our digital cameras away at the man who could have spoken louder, bolder and angrier about the subject but did not, puhleeeze. I have never been a fan of Catholicism as I am not a fan of the religion I was forced into: Southern Baptist. I see religion as means of control, a way to reform whatever we don't' like about what is going on in the world. Slavery was justified by the bible, interracial relationships were sin and ungodly, as is homosexuality. It's all a crock, a sham invented by men who rather hold all the keys to power and success while women bear the kids, the brunt of sin (Eve, you poor woman), and live on the bottom of the totem poll while gladly eradicating their last names (http://www.lucystoneleague.org/change_your_name.asp). Thanks but no thanks. I like being born in 76', living as a child of the 80s and being able to live as an adult in the year 2005. Times have changed and I am considerably happier for it. Men are free now too. They don't have to marry right, wear the pants, don the machismo attitude or succumb to ridicule if they don't play sports. They can be themselves. The church allows no one to be an individual, all it breeds is conformity and ignorance.

As for Mrs. Schaivo, that debate was so strange, so startling that it made headline news. I know of far more horrific things that went on in my own household (schizophrenic mother, abusive father, etc.) but nonetheless, Mrs. Schaivo's story is relevant and finally we have forced the nation to stop and think about death and what it really means to most of us. I have lost many family members and I had to comes to terms with loss very early in life which I am grateful for. It taught me to love and respect the existence of others as well as myself. We are not eternal nor immortal. We will die at some point and I believe that if more of us really embraced that fact, we'd see a lot less war, crime and hatred in our world. When you know that your time is up, you put a different spin on what is really essential to your life. I hope that Mrs. Schaivo is at peace, the way she exited this life will not be looked upon as just by many, including myself. But passing judgment is my favorite thing to do, but in special cases like this, I blame neither the husband or the family. Mrs. Schaivo is at peace, and that is all that matters.

Wanda Alston & Stop the genocide of GLBT people

2005-03-26T19:09:00.000-08:00

I work part-time for the Sacramento Observer and disappointedly read an article on a 19-year-old young man leaving his home on Valentine's Day to never return. He was gay and living with his parents, all his ducks in a row only to be found chopped up like animal flesh in a plastic bag in a Brooklyn subway. What is going on? My last post was a disgruntled moan about a sensleless murder. It's definitely time to stop reading the news but how do you avoid it when it's your job? My condolences to the family and friends of Rashawn Brazell. I feel for the poor transit worker that recovered Rashawn's dismantled body, I would have quit my job. The National Black Justice Coalition (http://www.nbjcoalition.org/) wrote a description of the incident and they have been working very hard to get the word out and let people know that hate crimes are far from being a thing of the past. I just can't believe that someone could that but I should know better, hours of Law & Order SVU should have taught me better. Sometimes, no matter how much violence we are faced with in today's times, I feel that the world is numb. I talked to my co-workers about Rashawn and everyone just covered their mouths and stomachs because it is too painful to embrace, I just felt sick all day. The NBJC is one of my favorite organizations at the moment. Next to the ACLU, Equality Marriage of California, the NBJC is top notch, advocating for sisters and brothers of color who are part of the GLBT community. Their dedication is phenomenal.

Wanda Alston, fervent activist, feminist and gay rights leader was murdered in her home by William Parrot, who apparently needed drugs, her credit cards or he just has a thirst for killing the innocent. An anonymous caller tipped the Washington, D.C. police and Parrot was arrested. Wanda will be missed by her partner, friends, family, co-workers and admirers. She was a remarkable woman, working for NOW, serving the GLBT community through numerous coalitions and I realized that I attended a march in San Francisco in 1996, "The March to Fight the Right," because of Wanda. She was on the frontlines of that march and several others internationally. That has remained my favorite group march due to the theme. You couldn't walk anywhere without being bombarded by every activist imagineable. The point was: No one was left behind. We are all human beings who seek love, life and liberty and it is a shame that Wanda died for that right. My heart goes out to all who knew Wanda. These times we're living in are way too tough to handle. Tonight, I'll leave my television off.

The job search is going very well, in fact the ACLU is hiring and I am up against some stiff competition but I am so excited to have the opportunity to apply. It is my dream job. I've also considered definitely commuting to San Francisco. Sacramento employers expect you to live on low rages because real estate is so cheap but one does have student loans, bills and rent to pay unbeknownst to most of these suburban employers. I'd also like to have a better chance at securing domestic partner benefits for my boyfriend. It is really tought to find an employer in this town who will offer benefits to marriage free folks like myself. Just another example of the system forcing me to conform. The job market in San Francisco looks fabulous, game developers, publishing, software, video/film firms are all hiring so wish my happy ass luck. This blog has been keeping me in good spirits and has definitely provided me with an outlet for my madness.

My mother turns 65 in a week. I am so excited to see her and spend the day and just recall her life. She is the most amazing woman I have ever met. Whenever I feel down, I think of all she's been through: schizophrenia, domestic violence, loss of parents, children and here she is: happy and energetic, asshole husband gone for 12 years and counting and nothing phases her. Maybe it's the prozac but she's my special lady. She makes me feel elated to be alive, just so I can be near her. Well, I'm off, laundry and Sam Adams are calling.

Crimes of Passion and Sheer Madness

2005-03-12T18:42:00.000-08:00

In September of 2003, Justine Vanderschoot, 17 years old, with a bright future ahead of her was murdered by her boyfriend and his best friend in the Aurburn area of Sacramento County. Her boyfriend, 20, suspected her of cheating and tapped her phones, recording her conversations with friends and a new male friend which piqued his immature rage. He decided to take action and along with his roommate and best friend, he planned to end her life. He spent adequate time in her home, becoming close to her family and sister and unbeknownst to them, they would lose Justine at the hands of the very young man they tried to mentor. He came from a broken home and had many issues (obviously) that Justine's father was aware of and tried to save him because he was a good kid. Yeah right. He took Justine for a drive and confronted her to no avail. In a rage, not receiving the answers he was waiting for, strangled her and with the help of his roommate, dug her grave and buried her alive. The roommate didn't like Justine and felt she spent too much time at their apartment, that was reason enough for this bright guy. Can you believe that women continue to die at the hands of men?

What I don't understand is why don't more men take to the streets and demand an end to this violence. Why are we taking this lying down? Women have been marching, protesting and the feminist community has sponsored countless events to give a voice to this genocide but here we are in 2005 and women will die at the hands of a man faster than cancer.

Anger, rage and disbelief are emotions I am quite friendly with at the moment. I want everyone to stand up and say no and to begin a campaign like the war on HIV/AIDS to keep our women alive and to educate our young boys from infancy to adulthood that violence is not the answer. Taking a life should not be an option. Women give birth to life everyday yet many of us do not live long enough to enjoy the lives we create.

I hear about the war on Black men consistently. There are meetings, conferences and agendas put together by men to fight police brutality and injustice but where are the men when we need them to fight our battles? There is a small group of men in this country that have done what I am seeking and that is to team up and let their voices be heard, but an increase in that small number must be quadrupled if we ever expect to protect our little girls, sisters, mothers, cousins, nieces, and women. Rape is still going on in Sudan, in wartime countries soldiers are told by someone that it is okay to enter the homes of innocent people, destroy their families, and harm the women of these families. I just don't understand why society hates women so much but in a double edged twist we cherish them and depend on them. We love sex in this country like oxygen, yet it is the prostitutes that suffer and are blamed for sexual deviance. I honestly believe that if we began to teach our children about sex, giving it the human and emotional analyzation that it deserves, we would save so many women from rape. If we discontinued this war on women and viewed them for who they are: human beings. Cut out the word mankind and replace it with humankind because women bleed just as men do but currently we seem to be shedding buckets to earn to respect in this world. We're made to feel unsafe walking alone at night, we're never free from insiduous catcalls on the street and we can never just be left alone to roam free like a man in safety and security. Most intelligent men can see this and do what they can to make the world a more kind and accepting environment for the women they love.

But alas, I see the irony everywhere, even in the gay community, women are seen as sex objects, by gay men! I was sitting in a bar listening to the comments made by a group of gay men about a contestent on American Idol. Her breasts, not her talent were the topic of conversation. It was really sad to hear. If gay men have a hard time seeing us for more than a pretty face, how do straight men see us?

In a society where, "show us your tits" is a come-on and hip hop videos feature men disrespecting women to the point of sliding a credit card through their butt cheeks is tolerated, we have a major problem. Is respect, liberty and freedom from sexual and physical violence too much to ask? To not be called a slut because I enjoy sex....to not be stereotyped or pidgeon-holed...to not have to give up my last name because it isn't as worthy as a man's last name when I marry? To give my children my last name because, naturally, I gave birth to them so it makes sense to me, (or to share, or make a up a new last name).

I feel like women are becoming brainwashed and complacent like the Black slaves of yesteryear. We don't ask these questions enough and we don't dissect our roles in society enough, instead, we cake our faces with make-up to impress a guy, we wear the clothes, we perform the dance and jump through surgical hoops to look like the woman he wants....but what do we get out of it really? Self-esteem issues, eating disorders, breast implants that malfunction and a hatred of other women we feel we must compete with. I look at the typical guy who puts half the time and effort into looking like himself to impress a woman minus all the said issues listed above. What a strange dichotomy this gender deal is.

But now, even men are feeling the pressure to look to good and be fit like Brad Pitt. Maybe it's just time to get real with ourselves, real with each other as human beings. We can't all meet the standard of beauty and nor should we have to. The inner beauty is what we fail to see as important, that inner beauty, if Justine Vanderschoot, had the chance to acknowledge it, would have led her clear away from her psycotic boyfriend. She, like so many women, fall into the trap of outer beauty, "jealousy means he loves me" and further confusing messages. I think men are shaking their heads as well. They have so many mixed messages on how to be a man but there is one message that is not absorbed: be respectful of humankind, of the needs of all living, breathing persons. No one belongs to you and your power only controls your actions. Live wisely and avoid violence because it does not equal brawn or strength, it equals weakness.

To all the young women of the world who have gone too soon and to Justine Vanderschoot and her family, may those cowardly lions who felt they had the power to take her body, recognize this: you may have taken her life, but you did not rob her of her spirit because the spirit can never stolen.

Denise Richards files for Divorce

2005-03-09T13:23:00.000-08:00

Oh and what is going on with Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen? Who files for divorce six months pregnant? I want to know who she caught him in bed with this time...oooh gossip.

Hump Day

2005-03-09T13:01:00.000-08:00

My old co-worker called Wednesday "Hump Day" because it was that middle ground between now and Friday. I have to say that Wednesdays are my favorite, Sundays are great for being lazy and I personally refuse to work a Sunday, it's just wrong.

I'm looking forward to getting out of the house tomorrow afternoon for lunch at Mikuni's, one of my favorite sushi spots with my old co-workers. Friday is the Ron White concert. My friend Rob, his fiancee, Christie and a slew of friends and family are going to have dinner at Brew it Up downtown and then off to the show. I've been to the Sac Community Center for two concerts: George Carlin and Ani DiFranco. Both were awesome. I think the venue is just really laid back and the set up is cool.

I went out last night and had a few drinks at the Mercantile "the merc" bar with my friend John. The weather has been so wonderful lately and their patio is perfect. John and I shared drinks and really bonded over family woes. Every now and then, it's great to get lost in conversation and just sit back and listen to someone.

I switched up on my job search by searching directly through company websites for career opportunities instead of just checking job boards. One of the companies I sent a blind resume to responded. They don't have an immediate opening but their current office admin is going on maternity leave in the spring, which is just around the corner. I would actually really dig working for a web firm again. It's casual, it's interesting and the environment is creative and the staff should be cool too. Well, wish me luck. Later.

The Unemployment Blues

2005-03-07T21:54:00.000-08:00

Just Like Judy

So, it's the beginning of the week for most of you but when you're out of work, it's just another Monday. I woke up at 11am and stretched, looked outside at the beautiful day ahead and wondered why I couldn't be happy sitting on my porch watching the rest of the world work. My boyfriend and everyone else I know are busy and when you've got free time, but no one to share it with, it's as if the down time is not as exciting as it otherwise would be. Lately I've been feeding my boredom frenzy between getting this blog reactivated since I set up the account under my former work email (Done! Thanks blogger!) and reading about other sacked employees on the web.
The first story to catch my attention was the infamous Jessica Cutler, fired for her blog, (washingtonienne.blogspot.com, her blog has been revived for voyeuristic viewers like me), which recounted her sexual exploits with Capitol hill reps. Not only is Jessica famous and on her way to best-seller land (I'm jealous!) but she's happy to be unemployed. Go figure! Jessica's Washington experience makes her the uber-Monica. Personally, I think she's awesome but I find it so ridiculous that none of the Washington elite who slept with her came clean and honest about their dalliances with the former Washington intern. I applaud her for her being brave and shedding light on my favorite topic: sex and politics. Oh what an ugly web these elitist pricks in Washington weave...I can be much more forgiving of Ms. Cutler for bedding these cowards for top dollar but I have no sympathy for the men who did graciously and without any provocation or thought to their wives or children. They committed these acts because they could, because it's easy to get away with murder in this world and never suffer the consequences.
Does anyone even remember Ms. Chandra Levy? During the summer of 2001 I was especially interested in her case. She had an elicit affair with Gary Conditt, fell in love and ended up missing and later found murdered. The 9/11 crisis wiped her out of the spotlight and we will never know what happened to Chandra beyond speculation. Her story was so gruesome to me, due to her age and that she was from Modesto, not far from my current location of Sacramento, where the gossip of politicos spreads like the state budget. How did this happen to her in the safest towns of America? My heart still goes out to her family and what they must endure everyday that they know Gary Conditt, lives and breathes, fucks his clueless wife, (who should have left him after the affair came to light), and doesn't even bother to give more than a nod to their pain. Shame on Washington, shame on those power hungry men who supposedly serve our country with pride...I bet they serve with pride alright - along with a spoonful of cocaine, newly recruited interns, hired, screwed and fired - all with an ego larger than the entire United States.

Moving on from my obvious irritation with Capitol Hill (and my obsession with sex and politics), Mark Jen was fired for revealing just a bit more than his former employers at Google anticipated. Free speech in this country is at an all time low. Mr. Jen was let go from Google because he socked a few jabs into the web search behemoths policies and health plans. So what? The KKK is allowed to spew their ugly agenda all over the web and believe me, that offends many more citizens of this country than a few digs at an employer's work policy. I believe he had every right to speak his mind or maybe I'm underestimating the power of a blog. Recently, blogging leapt out of the online journal label to become a substantial income for some, turned the heads of literary agents who now entertain the idea of searching blogs for aspiring writers (hey, over here, I have plenty of time to write!) and also a tool for gathering information about current events. More internet geeks read Wonkette, Gawker or Kingblind than they read their local paper. I can't remember the last time I picked up a local paper. It must have been the cover of the SF Chronicle with the headline WAR in huge black ink and I bought it because it scared me, no one under 35 expected to ever see that title on a news cover. That definitely brought me to three conclusions: 1) Go out and have sex like it's the last time, 2) Forget about climbing any corporate or success ladder, life is about giving back and helping everyone around you be as happy as possible, so buy the next person in line a cup of coffee instead of buying your latte and walking out the door never making eye contact with anyone, 3) Damn the man (Bush).

Work for my last employer hit a head just after the six month mark. I was happy but not really satisfied. I was hired as an office manager to fill in while the former was on maternity leave. I took the job too quickly, big mistake, because I was laid off for three months from my last gig. I didn't want to risk running out of unemployment or driving my boyfriend crazy so I accepted what I believed to be a great opportunity. The pay was crap and I've come to accept that as part of of being a Sacramentan. In San Francisco, my hometown, I made so much more to do exactly what I'm doing now but my experience in the workforce has grown and I'm thankful for the addition to my resume. My new employers seemed fun, hip, young and relaxed. Little did I know that those three things do not always equal to a professional workplace. We all want two hour lunches and bosses who don't care if you're a few minutes late but my employers were too cool so I knew something was up. The catch turned out to be an office where everyone was married, conservative and uptight about many issues I take with ease. I worked with two gay people at my last job and diversity was rich. Not so with the new employer where everyone was White. That wasn't a big deal at first but I saw the separation that brought between myself and the rest of the staff. Race was not the issue as was general acceptance of other cultures and genders. I found even the women to be sexist at times which I found humorous at first and sad during other occasions.
After my position increased and I was getting hip to the game, I believed it was time for more than verbal compensation. One of my employers agreed that I should see more buck for my dollar since I was obviously giving more than I received. I drew up a beautiful review proposal stating my needs, and I outlined the position I was hired for and the change in my job description, even my boyfriend was impressed. He was certain I would walk out of there with a smile as I did with my last job where I got a raise and an employee of the month award within two months.
Not so fast girly, we'll neglect the fact that you called this meeting and we neglected to acknowledge your need for a review and we'll turn you down flat. Nice. I began my job hunt like a speedy little devil looking for souls to steal. I felt like I was almost free...just that much closer to outwitting them when they turned the tables on me. I was ready for work on an unsuspecting Monday when I was called into a meeting to discuss a serious matter. Apparently after changing the server, they read through all the emails (or just mine, I believe) and found a particular email to a friend in Berkeley gossiping about the weekend and her need for a new herbal connection. The word herb and grow ticked off some bells and I was asked to resign. No need to pay a pothead unemployment. I was both shocked and amazed and I learned a valuable lesson. Never discuss herb through work email, sometimes you can slide and screw up but not on company mail. Never feel pressured to sign a resignation letter, you will still qualify for unemployment as I did, but stick to your guns, if they're going to fire you, let them. I felt stupid for signing their bullshit letter but even worse for letting them let me go instead of vice versa. They used my skills, underpaid me and then gave me the boot.
Personally, I believe the two co-workers I confided in ratted my job search out and they found this bit of evidence to can my happy ass. Coincidentally, neither of the aforementioned co-workers called to wish me well or stop by and a be friend. I do keep in touch with two of my old co-workers and for their support, I am eternally grateful. Good friends in the workplace are tough to find, loyal ones who will acknowledge your existence after you're sacked are even harder.
I have received great feedback from Craigslist and monster so I think I will beat the unemployment blues...for now I'll blog away.

Slaves of the LGBT Community

2005-01-10T20:39:00.000-08:00

I don't know about you but I'm really upset about homophobia and nothing makes my skin crawl more then homophobic African Americans. I just don't get it. We've faced discrimination since the beginning of time and instead of opening our hearts somehow "The Man" has the last laugh. We've propelled ourselves from Black on Black crime to burying gay African Americans and only a handful of African American leaders have stood to defend these courageous human beings. I have done some research on the National Black Justice Association, an organization that deserves more kudos then Martha Stewart (althougth, I always defend Martha, as a woman, they made an example of her that was just unecessary, Enron corporate assholes, watch your back, Haliburton, your nose is sprouting more lies then Pinnochio on heroin). Here is my run on sentence:

As we come to terms with a new president (that most of us with common sense did not vote for), celebrate the holidays and pre-purchase V.I.P. tickets to the most sought after New Year’s Eve bash in select cities throughout the world, we owe it to ourselves as members of the an accepting community to discuss a very controversial topic. Our Gay African American sisters and brothers who continue to grapple with their double if not triple indignities (Gay, Lesbian, person of color, Christian) will need our focus.

African American pastors around the United States have made headlines preaching their message regarding the sanctity of marriage and denouncing the LGBT community for destroying the moral values of this nation by demanding equal rights, above all, the right to marry. The African American community has always held strong ties to the church, labeling it the center of their lives. Unfortunately many places of worship are wrought with homophobic, conservative beliefs that use the bible to illustrate that Gay people are not God’s children. It seems that religion will yet again play the catalyst in the enslavement of our Gay sisters and brothers who continue to set the Gay civil rights movement back to pre-Stonewall by not speaking up and coming out. History tells us that African American slaves were forced into Christianity and later clung to it to like a safety blanket before Rosa Parks bravely refused to give up her seat in Alabama, sparking a movement. How long will it take for African American pastors and their members to come to terms with their own hatred and misunderstanding of love, sex and gender? It is ironic that America was once convinced that African Americans were subhuman and used the bible to preach that fact, feeding us a White Jesus, Mary and Joseph and African Americans continue to eat it up. They have forgotten the case of Loving vs. Virginia where love prevailed over racist miscegenation laws forbidding the mingling of Black and White men and women. African Americans have a steep history in being exploited and judged, yet when it is clear that Gay marriage is a civil rights issue, many African American religious leaders not only turn their backs on justice but they in turn diminish the self-esteem of our Gay sisters and brothers.

The GLBT community has come a long way in accepting Gay sisters and brothers of color into their rainbow of love but there is still far more work needed in order to succeed. A debate has existed for decades about the treatment of African American Lesbians and Gays in the community and the question remains: Is the White GLBT community responsible for this divide or do African American Lesbians and Gays commit to invisibility? One could easily answer that both are at fault. African American Lesbians and Gays need to need to band together with the rest of their community and put an end to invisibility. White Lesbians and Gays need to recognize that there is currently only one advocacy organization, The National Black Justice Coalition, (www.nbjcoalition.org) that primarily assists Lesbian and Gay African Americans in their fight for equal rights. One organization among a slew of others to defend our Gay sisters and brothers from religious conservatives who would rather shame them and teach the rest of the African American community to do the same hardly seems fair. It is time to put an end to our pre-historic views on race and get over ourselves.

No one is to blame for the backlash our Gay brothers and sisters are facing from their own community and many of their churches. We need to reach out and educate ourselves on this topic to further understand the stigma of homosexuality in the African American community and how severe it is. Is it any wonder that as an African American woman I am at the highest risk for HIV/AIDS in the world? How daunting is that? Many African American men are living a double life because they are too ashamed to come out to their wives and African American pastors would rather ignore the “down low” phenomenon and allow African American women to be infected daily.

Religious leaders such as the Reverend Gregory Daniels of the United Voters for Truth and Change in Chicago insist on adhering to the old slave master’s message of bigotry. Reverend Daniels has made some waves with his commentary on gay marriage where he went so far as to say that "if the KKK opposes gay marriage I would ride with them.” I’d like to know what kind of substance he was on when he stated that emphatically to the world. Have these people completely lost their sensibilities? No straight white male I know would want anything to do with the Klan and here we have a man of color who preaches the word of God and holds hatred in his heart.

We are certainly no strangers to hypocrisy in this country but this argument about whether gay marriage is a civil rights issue is madness. The National Black Justice Association
called supporters of marriage equality to counter a march led by Bishop Eddie L. Long of Atlanta’s mega church, New Birth, to oppose the right of gays and lesbians to marry. The march began on the steps of the Martin Luther King, Jr. Foundation in Atlanta. It is unfathomable that African American ministers can desecrate the symbol of civil rights by rallying for bigotry in lieu of fundraising to save the lives of African American women who continue to be exposed to the HIV virus at an alarming rate. That task would call on the entire African American community to begin talking about same sex relationships and gender roles as well uprooting archaic attitudes about marriage. Coretta Scott King is a huge supporter of civil rights for the GLBT community and it is despicable that that these ministers used her deceased husband’s foundation as a starting point to begin a war on members of the human race.

Let’s pick our Gay sisters and brothers up and let them know that silence is slavery and that slavery should not be a repeat episode in our nation’s history.

I'm working on writing for a local gay and lesbian paper in Sacramento. I used this opinion piece as a sample. This issue is really important to me at the moment. I just hope that others see it and not dismiss as something that doesn't effect them. Prejudice effects everyone who inhabits this earth and I'm just sick of the bullshit. I want people to open up and stop using fear as an excuse and most importantly to discontinue denying their fears.